Melancholy . . .

start at the beginning

It's been some time since I've written.

Perhaps you've noticed.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps I really matter so little in this world.

Perhaps the things I have to say that are drowning inside me would get lost out there anyway.

I've always wanted to write, to share, to say something.

But, it's hard.

Even now, I sit, emotions swirling inside me, drowning my soul, and I have no idea how to let them out.

I should be happy.

I escaped a nightmare.

And I am happy.

I live my life now with a certain peace, a certain comfort, a feeling of safeness.

I traded a life of fear, a life of abuse, and worry and stress, where all I did was get through the days.

I traded that life for this one.

This life where I live in peace, and safety, and all I really do is get through the days.

And, maybe that's why I don't know how to express myself.

Because, what I feel I should feel and what I do feel are so at odds.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm happy.  My life is in such a better place.

I often do feel a certain peace in knowing my life is OK right where it is.

I find joy each day, mostly in Sam.

And, I know I have a purpose.  I have my Sam.  He adores me, and in him I find such a pure love and such a joy.

But, underneath it all . . .

Or above it all . . .

Or around it all . . .

Or mixed up in it all . . .

It's there . . .

That certain feeling of . . . melancholy.

Sure, I get through each day, putting one foot in front of the other.

I wake each morning:  dress, makeup, hair . . . motions . . .

Wake Sam, dress Sam, love Sam.

Scrape up some breakfast . . . motions . . .

Drive to school, drive to work . . . motions . . .

Crank out product, lunch, make nice . . . motions . . .

Drive to school . . .

Soak in the love that washes over me, as little arms wrap around my neck and "Mommy!" echoes in my ears, relishing in those sweet moments when I know every motion is worth it.

Drive home, dinner, baths, bed . . . motions . . .

All to what?

Start again tomorrow . . . tomorrow?

Again . . . and again?

I'm merely a human trapped on this hamster wheel, running, in a hurry to get . . . nowhere . . .

The only motions in my life feeling truly worth something being those with Sam.

The only motions in my life feeling truly joyful being those with Sam.

And let's face it, some of those moments with Sam, are not so joyful.  Some of those moments with Sam make me question my parenting skills and make me wonder what the hell I'm doing, because no one tells you how difficult single parenting is.

Single.

Alone.

And maybe that's the crux of it.

I'm alone.

Oh, sure, I have Sam, and for that I thank God daily.

My baby boy is the most amazing beautiful thing in my life.

And by God's grace, I pray I raise him to be a fine young man.  A man who loves God and loves life.  A man who can step out own his own and build his own dreams and his own successes.

But, I'm doing it alone.

And, if all goes well, and I succeed, in a mere approximately two decades . . . such a short time . . . I truly will be alone, as my sweet Sam will move on with his life . . .

And I'll truly be . . . alone . . .

I finished reading a book last night, Chasing Rainbows, and I realized, outside of Sam, I'm not sure I have any . . . rainbows.

There is nothing I'm chasing.  There is nothing filling my heart with anticipation, lighting a fire in my belly.

There is me . . . and Sam . . . alone . . .

Oh, how I long for rainbows, but I have this . . .

This . . .

Melancholy . . .

One Year . . .

start at the beginning

One week, one day ago . . .

It was my birthday.  I had lunch with my husband, while the anxiety inside was building.  It would only be a couple of hours, and I'd be seeking counsel with a divorce attorney.

Four days ago . . .

I had a morning appointment with my attorney.  We drafted the paperwork to file for divorce.  I then went to work,while she completed the drafting, and later that afternoon, I signed papers . . . papers that would forevermore change the course of my life.

Three days ago . . .

My papers were filed in the courts.

Two days ago . . .

I returned my filed copy of the papers to my attorney.

The anxiety keeps building . . . coupled with guilt.  The guilt over what I'm doing is so strong, but it is coupled with resolve of steel.  For the decision I've made may be the most difficult decision I've ever encountered, but it is right.  And if there were any doubts, this week, his actions have erased them.  And he has no idea . . .

Last night . . .

I tried to figure out how to avoid intimate relations with my husband.  Four days ago, I signed papers.  Legally, four days ago, we separated.  Odd, isn't it?  Legally, sex doesn't bind you in marriage, but when you file for divorce, sex after the separation date means you aren't really separated, which can really throw a monkey wrench in things.  So, I really needed to avoid sex . . . but it was extremely rare for me to just say no.  What to do?  I needed to avoid sex, but I failed.  I can only hope he doesn't bring this up in court!

Today . . .

I woke this morning and got him off to work.  That is where he was served later today.  I then spent the next seven hours leaving . . . trying to convince Sam, myself, even the cat that we're all gonna be OK, as anxiety tied my stomach in knots, and bile rested in my throat . . .  We escaped to the house of a trusted friend and I waited . . . waited for the call of the process server . . . waited for the call from Jim, the call I knew would come as soon as he read the papers.  And now, I prepare for bed . . . my first night on this new course.  Sam doesn't understand yet.  He thinks this is some grand adventure.  How long until he realizes?  He's so young.

It's been a year now.

One year today.

I'm not anxious any more.

I'm not guilty.

My resolve has not weakened.

The decision I made then is still the right decision.

My life is in a happier place.

And through every trying moment, I have looked to the Lord my God for my strength, my joy, my peace, and He has given me all.

My life is in a very different place than I would have pictured it now, but this is where I am, and I'm happy, Sam and I, forging our way in the world, seeking God every step of the way.  It is through His grace that I see my life as it is right now and embrace it, with every imperfection, and find the greatest joy, and the greatest peace.

I don't know what God has waiting for me in the future, but I know what He's given me now.

It's been one year . . . one year today . . . and I'm thankful!

next

A Vow I Couldn't Keep

start at the beginning

I awoke this morning with anticipation.

The day had finally arrived.

Today, I would be married.

There was only one important thing on my list for today, and that was to get myself and my groom ready for our 5:30 appointment before God and man.

I'd showered, and readied myself to leave, but there was a problem.

Jim was having second thoughts.

Jim was unsure.

We talked.  I'd waited a long time for this.

I made sure he knew:  today was the day.

Today he would marry me, or tomorrow I would move out.

This was not a threat, just a simple statement of facts.

Still, he was undecided.

We were supposed to meet my cousin and her husband en-route, but the time had passed.

The phone rang, and my cousin asked, "Is everything OK?"

"No."

Eventually, her husband, Jim's best friend, spoke with Jim.

I did not know what was said, but when Jim hung up, he got into the shower.

Later, I found out that Jim's friend told him that if he didn't want to lose me, he'd better listen to what I was saying, because I was serious.

Finally, we arrived at my grandmother's house, where we would be married!  We were running later than I'd planned, but there was still time.

Off I went to get dressed.  Let the madness begin!

Something old - I wore a necklace given to me by my grandmother.  It was a gift to her when she was eight, and she'd given it to me when I was eight.

Something new - My wedding dress definitely fit the bill.

Something borrowed - My wedding dress was lined, but I quickly discovered that lining was not thick enough!  What to do?  I needed a slip, but hadn't brought one.  YIKES!  My grandmother had a slip, but it was too big.  Fortunately, she also had a safety pin!

Something blue - My cousin came to my rescue with a tiny blue butterfly hair clip, which we clipped to the hem of my dress.

It was 5:30.  Everyone was in place.  The music began.

I walked down the aisle toward the man I adored, my heart full and happy.

We repeated vows.

We exchanged rings.

We kissed our first kiss as man and wife.

And every act, I took with such sincerity . . . honesty . . . love . . . for marriage is not something to be taken lightly.

It has been 11 years, but I remember this day so well.

And that memory is bittersweet.

For it was 11 years ago today, I took a vow . . .

A vow I couldn't keep.

next

Sometimes You Just Know . . .

start at the beginning

Your grandpa used to be a park ranger.  You know that's where I met him.  My girlfriend and I were visiting the state park and met him there.  I was engaged at the time.  I went home and wrote a letter breaking off the engagement and returned the ring.  Then your grandpa asked my girlfriend out.  Eventually they broke up, and my girlfriend encouraged me to go out with him, saying we'd be good together.


My grandmother told me the story of how she and my grandfather met.  Oh, what a love story!  They were married until the day he died, a marriage spanning 44 years.  


Sometimes you just know . . .

It was a Friday night.  I was one week into the first professional job of my career, and a week away from graduating with my bachelor's degree.  I arrived at my cousin's weeding rehearsal feeling quite on top of the world, but in a slight rush because I was running late.  As I pulled into the church parking lot, I was a bit relieved to see I was not the only one running late, but now I was also a bit confused.  I knew every person in the wedding party, so who was this person also arriving late mere moments before me?

The best man was supposed to be the groom's brother, but a week before the wedding he informed the groom he'd be unable to fulfill his duties.  The groom's best friend was now filling in.  And so I met him.  This very good looking, quiet man.

Later at the rehearsal dinner, I sat across the table from this man, trying to engage him in conversation.  I gathered pretty quickly that he was not much of a talker, but still, I was intrigued.

My grandparents' marriage spanned 44 years, but there were a few chinks in my grandparents' love story . . . like the alcoholism, and the adultery, and the children resulting from that adultery . . .  My grandmother never told me this part of the story . . . never acknowledged it . . . until many years later when her mind was ravaged by alzheimers.  I found it sad how of all the things this illness had stolen from her, the raw pain of that betrayal remained . . .

Strange how the memory works, even when it's perfectly healthy.  Because somehow, that night, as I thought about that love story, the chinks were forgotten.  As my sister and I drove home from rehearsal dinner in the pouring rain, I told her, "I'm going to marry the best man," and the next day, we walked down the aisle for the first time (maid of honor and best man).

Sometimes you just know . . .

next

Food. Clothing. Shelter.

start at the beginning

When I started the journey, I felt so very alone.

So.  Very.  Alone.

As I continue this journey, I sadly find there are many many women on this journey with me.

Feeling very alone.

Asking for someone to show them the way.

Asking me to show them the way.

I feel very unsure of myself.  I'm no expert on this.  I'm just a survivor with a story.

But, I'm going to try, in my small way, to hold that tiny light strong and steady at the end of the tunnel.

Because no one deserves to live in abuse . . .

If you're considering an escape to your abuse, your first step should be to call your local women's shelter.  Click here for some tips on finding a shelter near you.  If your situation is life threatening, they will be able to approve you for emergency shelter.  Even if your situation is not life threatening, they may be able to provide counseling and/or legal services.  At my local shelter, these services are provided free of charge if you meet their criteria.  I already had a counselor, though, and make too much money to qualify for their free legal services.  Their attorney did, however, provide me with several attorneys very experienced in domestic violence cases.

Three things that will obviously make leaving easier?  A job, childcare and a place to live.  You're going to need to recruit some help.  Find a few people you can trust.  Let them help you!  You're trying to do a LOT in as little time as possible.  Now, freshen up your resume and put it out.  EVERYWHERE.  Call every local child care provider, and ask for references of in home child care providers as well (sometimes they're cheaper, but you still get quality care).  Ask all of them if they have any programs that help single/low income working mothers.  You should also ask about childcare when you call the local women's shelter.  They may be able to help in this area.  Find adequate shelter.  It doesn't have to be the Ritz.  It just needs to be a place you can come home and feel safe.  While you're networking with those who are in your trusted circle, find out it any of them would be willing to house you in a pinch.  Sam and I stayed with a close friend for a week.  She was willing to allow us to stay much longer.  You might be surprised who will offer.

While you're doing these other things, you need to be speaking with an attorney, and you need to decide what you want.  Bottom line, at the end of the day, what do you want.  For me, it was custody of Sam.  As I told my attorney at our first meeting, "If I walk away with nothing from this divorce, I want custody of my son."  Make your bottom line clear with your attorney.  This will help keep everything focused.  Your attorney will also be able to offer some practical advice as far as steps you need to take to get out, and things you need to do to prepare for the potential court battle you will face.  Oh, and document, document, document.  Physical abuse?  Take photos of any injuries.  E-mail them to a friend along with the story of what happened.  Then delete the pics and everything from your computer/e-mail.  Verbal/Emotional abuse?  Still, document those stories.  Once again, e-mail them to a friend.  Delete them from your computer/e-mail. Your friend can then forward those to your attorney once you leave.

Pack an emergency bag and put it in your trunk.  This bag should include vital papers, a change of clothes for you and the children, medications, etc.  If you need to leave in a hurry, this will be important.  Your car should always have adequate fuel levels, and children's car seats should always be buckled in.  Your cell phone should also always be charged.

Speaking of cell phones, if you share an account with your spouse, you need to take a couple of extra safety precautions.  He will be able to track your location via the phone company if he's on the account, thus you may need to get an ultra cheap cell phone on your own to use when you run.  Ditch the cell phone that is on his account ASAP, as it's my understanding that even if they're off, they can be turned on remotely by the phone company and then tracked.

Do you have any super special sentimental things?  Find a safe place, probably at the home of a friend or relative, and slowly begin shifting those things there.  If you have things you want to remove, but can't without being obvious, save those for the day you're leaving.  Make a list, so you don't forget something.  Be selective.  As helpful as your friends might be, they probably don't have a ton of extra space for your things.

Any money in the bank?  You get half.  Take it.  Open an account in only your name.  Deposit it.  Spend as little as possible.  This will show the courts that you weren't trying to take anything above what you were entitled.  Consult your attorney first, but mine said this was OK.  Make sure you have some cash on hand the day you leave.  You don't want to leave a trail of your whereabouts.

Remember that job we spoke of above?  I sat down with my boss about a week before I had my ex served.  I told him that I was filing for divorce, but I would attempt to minimize the impact this had on my work.  I did warn him, however, that it was a domestic violence situation, and that I may need to be gone for a few days after having the ex served.  My boss was amazingly supportive.

I suggest leaving on the day he is served.  I had my ex served at work in the afternoon.  This gave me the bulk of the day to pack and get out.

Obviously, some of these suggestions plan for a worst case danger scenario.  Adjust your precaution levels to fit your needs.  If at any time you feel the safety of you and/or your children is an issue, CALL 911.  Do not even hesitate!

Be prepared to accept some hard truths.

You may never see a dime of child support.  Sure, each state has their minimum percentages of income, etc., but many men will find a way around it.  He'll work off the books, thus appearing unemployed, making it impossible to garnish wages, or he'll work at a really low wage job making tips which are nearly impossible to track and in many cases may provide the bulk of his income.  It's amazing the lengths some men will go to in order to avoid supporting their offspring.  And while we're facing the very real potential of no child support, you can go ahead and kiss alimony goodbye too.

He will most likely have visitation rights to your children, in spite of his abuse towards you.  Unless you can prove that he is a danger to your children, you will not be able to stop this, so go ahead and decide what you want your visitation schedule to look like now, because the two of you are really going to fight over this one.

Don't pull the children into it.  Shelter them as much as possible.  This is going to be traumatic enough on them as it is.  They do not need to be told who their charming father really is.  They will eventually realize on their own.

I know I am failing.  I so want to do this right, and I know I am failing.  I'm forgetting so many things.  I am.  I simply pray this will be of some help.  For more online support, please check out this group.  There are some amazing women here that have helped me, though my presence there has been sporadic at best.

Bottom line.  You can get by on a LOT less than you think you can when you have to.  I learned in elementary school that we really have three basic needs . . .

Food.  Clothing.  Shelter.

next

I Got Flowers Today

start at the beginning

Today I am not posting original thoughts.  I'm just going to post this poem I stumbled upon.  For me, it wasn't flowers.  He rarely bought me flowers . . . But, he always made up in some way . . .  I'm so thankful I got out before the last verse of this poem was about me . . .

I Got Flowers Today

I got flowers today. 

It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.

We had our first argument last night, 

And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. 

I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said. 

Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. 

It wasn't our anniversary any other special day. 

Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.

It seemed like a nightmare. 

I couldn't believe it was real. 

I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. 

I know he must be sorry. 

Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today, 

and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day. 

Last night, he beat me up again. 

And it was much worse than all the other times. 

If I leave him, what will I do? 

How will I take care of my kids? 

What about money? 

I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. 

But I know he must be sorry.

Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. 

Today was a very special day. 

It was the day of my funeral. 

Last night, he finally killed me. 

He beat me to death. 

If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, 

I would not have gotten flowers...today. 

By Paulette Kelly

© Copyright 1992 Paulette Kelly 

All Rights Reserved

next

Learning to Live . . . for Me

start at the beginning

Preface:  I seek every day to live my life for the glory of God.  I am writing here about learning to live for me, but I am merely secondary in this life to my God who is gracious enough to walk with me every day.  So, as I strive every day to find my independent happiness, may I first and foremost strive to find my happiness in Him.

~     ~     ~     ~     ~

I simply move through life from day to day . . . often feeling as though I'm just getting through . . . one foot in front of the other.


I, however, cannot say it's totally fruitless.  Even in its quiet, busy simplicity, I'm learning something incredibly important about life.  I'm learning how to live it . . . for me . . .


It's hard.


I've mentioned this to a couple of people . . .  Both times with the same response . . .  A look that can best be described as a question . . .


I suppose it's difficult to understand how I can describe the freedom of answering only to myself as hard, but it is hard.


Somehow, my happiness has always been part of someone else's happiness.


I'm not saying that's a bad thing.  Such is life.


It's not as though my entire life has been about making someone else happy.  It hasn't.


When I say I'm learning to live life for me, I don't mean to suggest that I previously made decisions and choices placing the happiness of others before my own.  I made the major life decisions that affect my life today, and I'm happy with those decisions.


When I say I'm learning to live life for me, I mean to say, I'm learning to be accountable to me.


Growing up, I was accountable to my parents.  I wanted to make them proud.  I wanted to make them happy.  And, I was happier if they were happy.


Then, I grew up . . .  (OK, that point is still debatable, but bear with me . . .)


Then I grew up, and fell in love.  And, I became accountable to him.  I wanted to make him proud.  I wanted to make him happy.  And, I was happier if he was happy.


Of course, he couldn't be made happy, no matter the effort, but this post is about me . . . not him . . .


You could say I'm co-dependent.  Yeah, just go ahead and say it.  It's true.


I'm still a bit undecided . . .  Is being co-dependent necessarily a bad thing?  Obviously when your partner is toxic, it makes for a bad mix . . . a very bad mix . . .  But, if I were in a healthy relationship, would co-dependency really be so bad?  And can a relationship be described as healthy if one party is co-dependent, even if the other is emotionally healthy?  [good questions for my counselor . . . ]


But now, I'm alone.  And, it's tough to be co-dependent . . . and alone.


So, I'm learning how to live . . . for me . . . in all the little things . . .


And I mean every little thing, from going to bed earlier, because I know I'm happier when I'm rested - to setting boundaries in relationships that conform to my morals, values, and needs, because I'm happier when my life is kept simple and my morals and values are respected, and my needs are met.


It's hard - this being accountable to only me.  I'm forced to look at my innermost self.  I'm forced to learn about myself.  I'm forced to rethink moral quandaries independent of the pressures of others.


I'm finding that now that I'm accountable to only me, I'm probably harder on myself than others have ever been, but at the end of the day, I know I'm going to be a better person; and not because someone else is happy with me, but because I'm happy with me.


And as I slowly take control of my own happiness, independent of the happiness of others, I'm finding it incredibly freeing . . . this learning to live . . . for me . . .

next post