One Year . . .

start at the beginning

One week, one day ago . . .

It was my birthday.  I had lunch with my husband, while the anxiety inside was building.  It would only be a couple of hours, and I'd be seeking counsel with a divorce attorney.

Four days ago . . .

I had a morning appointment with my attorney.  We drafted the paperwork to file for divorce.  I then went to work,while she completed the drafting, and later that afternoon, I signed papers . . . papers that would forevermore change the course of my life.

Three days ago . . .

My papers were filed in the courts.

Two days ago . . .

I returned my filed copy of the papers to my attorney.

The anxiety keeps building . . . coupled with guilt.  The guilt over what I'm doing is so strong, but it is coupled with resolve of steel.  For the decision I've made may be the most difficult decision I've ever encountered, but it is right.  And if there were any doubts, this week, his actions have erased them.  And he has no idea . . .

Last night . . .

I tried to figure out how to avoid intimate relations with my husband.  Four days ago, I signed papers.  Legally, four days ago, we separated.  Odd, isn't it?  Legally, sex doesn't bind you in marriage, but when you file for divorce, sex after the separation date means you aren't really separated, which can really throw a monkey wrench in things.  So, I really needed to avoid sex . . . but it was extremely rare for me to just say no.  What to do?  I needed to avoid sex, but I failed.  I can only hope he doesn't bring this up in court!

Today . . .

I woke this morning and got him off to work.  That is where he was served later today.  I then spent the next seven hours leaving . . . trying to convince Sam, myself, even the cat that we're all gonna be OK, as anxiety tied my stomach in knots, and bile rested in my throat . . .  We escaped to the house of a trusted friend and I waited . . . waited for the call of the process server . . . waited for the call from Jim, the call I knew would come as soon as he read the papers.  And now, I prepare for bed . . . my first night on this new course.  Sam doesn't understand yet.  He thinks this is some grand adventure.  How long until he realizes?  He's so young.

It's been a year now.

One year today.

I'm not anxious any more.

I'm not guilty.

My resolve has not weakened.

The decision I made then is still the right decision.

My life is in a happier place.

And through every trying moment, I have looked to the Lord my God for my strength, my joy, my peace, and He has given me all.

My life is in a very different place than I would have pictured it now, but this is where I am, and I'm happy, Sam and I, forging our way in the world, seeking God every step of the way.  It is through His grace that I see my life as it is right now and embrace it, with every imperfection, and find the greatest joy, and the greatest peace.

I don't know what God has waiting for me in the future, but I know what He's given me now.

It's been one year . . . one year today . . . and I'm thankful!

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