Three Weeks Gone

start at the beginning

The stress was incredibly high.  I was driving my cat to my parents' house, with my little man in the back seat.  The cat became quite fidgety, and I stroked her, saying in a calm soothing voice over and over, "It'll be OK . . .  It'll be OK . . ."  And the question comes from the back seat, "It'll be OK, Mama?"  "Yes, Baby, it'll be OK."  And it was then, as I tried to reassure my cat and my child that I realized I was also trying to reassure myself . . .

It's been three weeks now since I left.  Three weeks ago from this moment, I was just arriving at my friend's house scared out of my mind.

Sam and I lived at my friend's house for a week.  She has a daughter about Sam's age, and they formed a fast friendship.  Jim did not know where we were, and this offered a blessed reprieve while I gauged my soon to be ex-husband's frame of mind.

Since Jim seemed to be taking things much better than anticipated, I moved Sam and I to my parents two weeks ago today.  My parents have a large guest suite, and Aaron and I are now living there.  So far this arrangement is working out OK.

Throughout these three weeks, Jim has tried every measure imaginable to get me back.  He has promised to change and be a new person, he has begged, he has guilt tripped me, he has talked to people with whom I am close so they could talk to me on his behalf . . .  I am holding firm.  I am holding strong.

Currently we are negotiating property division/child custody issues.  If all goes well, we will reach a mutually agreeable decision and my filing will change from a fault based divorce to irreconcilable differences.  We will have to reschedule a court date, but even so, our divorce could be completed by the end of October.

I still get frustrated when Jim seems disinterested in Sam.  He's already broken 2 dates to see Sam, so I will no longer get Sam's hopes up until I'm looking right at Jim.  But ultimately, how much interest Jim takes in Sam is his decision.  My decision is to be there for my little boy no matter what his dad decides . . .

I feel like a new person.  I'm standing up for myself.  I feel strong.  I feel empowered.  And the world is bigger, brighter, more beautiful.  And that crushing weight I used to carry?  Gone . . .  Just last weekend I had three people tell me that I seem happier, and I am . . .

I'm making plans for the future.  The horizon is so bright with promise.  Sure, the fears still creep in from time to time, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and not looking back . . .  because . . .  It'll be OK . . .

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