Sometimes You Just Know . . .

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Your grandpa used to be a park ranger.  You know that's where I met him.  My girlfriend and I were visiting the state park and met him there.  I was engaged at the time.  I went home and wrote a letter breaking off the engagement and returned the ring.  Then your grandpa asked my girlfriend out.  Eventually they broke up, and my girlfriend encouraged me to go out with him, saying we'd be good together.


My grandmother told me the story of how she and my grandfather met.  Oh, what a love story!  They were married until the day he died, a marriage spanning 44 years.  


Sometimes you just know . . .

It was a Friday night.  I was one week into the first professional job of my career, and a week away from graduating with my bachelor's degree.  I arrived at my cousin's weeding rehearsal feeling quite on top of the world, but in a slight rush because I was running late.  As I pulled into the church parking lot, I was a bit relieved to see I was not the only one running late, but now I was also a bit confused.  I knew every person in the wedding party, so who was this person also arriving late mere moments before me?

The best man was supposed to be the groom's brother, but a week before the wedding he informed the groom he'd be unable to fulfill his duties.  The groom's best friend was now filling in.  And so I met him.  This very good looking, quiet man.

Later at the rehearsal dinner, I sat across the table from this man, trying to engage him in conversation.  I gathered pretty quickly that he was not much of a talker, but still, I was intrigued.

My grandparents' marriage spanned 44 years, but there were a few chinks in my grandparents' love story . . . like the alcoholism, and the adultery, and the children resulting from that adultery . . .  My grandmother never told me this part of the story . . . never acknowledged it . . . until many years later when her mind was ravaged by alzheimers.  I found it sad how of all the things this illness had stolen from her, the raw pain of that betrayal remained . . .

Strange how the memory works, even when it's perfectly healthy.  Because somehow, that night, as I thought about that love story, the chinks were forgotten.  As my sister and I drove home from rehearsal dinner in the pouring rain, I told her, "I'm going to marry the best man," and the next day, we walked down the aisle for the first time (maid of honor and best man).

Sometimes you just know . . .

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Food. Clothing. Shelter.

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When I started the journey, I felt so very alone.

So.  Very.  Alone.

As I continue this journey, I sadly find there are many many women on this journey with me.

Feeling very alone.

Asking for someone to show them the way.

Asking me to show them the way.

I feel very unsure of myself.  I'm no expert on this.  I'm just a survivor with a story.

But, I'm going to try, in my small way, to hold that tiny light strong and steady at the end of the tunnel.

Because no one deserves to live in abuse . . .

If you're considering an escape to your abuse, your first step should be to call your local women's shelter.  Click here for some tips on finding a shelter near you.  If your situation is life threatening, they will be able to approve you for emergency shelter.  Even if your situation is not life threatening, they may be able to provide counseling and/or legal services.  At my local shelter, these services are provided free of charge if you meet their criteria.  I already had a counselor, though, and make too much money to qualify for their free legal services.  Their attorney did, however, provide me with several attorneys very experienced in domestic violence cases.

Three things that will obviously make leaving easier?  A job, childcare and a place to live.  You're going to need to recruit some help.  Find a few people you can trust.  Let them help you!  You're trying to do a LOT in as little time as possible.  Now, freshen up your resume and put it out.  EVERYWHERE.  Call every local child care provider, and ask for references of in home child care providers as well (sometimes they're cheaper, but you still get quality care).  Ask all of them if they have any programs that help single/low income working mothers.  You should also ask about childcare when you call the local women's shelter.  They may be able to help in this area.  Find adequate shelter.  It doesn't have to be the Ritz.  It just needs to be a place you can come home and feel safe.  While you're networking with those who are in your trusted circle, find out it any of them would be willing to house you in a pinch.  Sam and I stayed with a close friend for a week.  She was willing to allow us to stay much longer.  You might be surprised who will offer.

While you're doing these other things, you need to be speaking with an attorney, and you need to decide what you want.  Bottom line, at the end of the day, what do you want.  For me, it was custody of Sam.  As I told my attorney at our first meeting, "If I walk away with nothing from this divorce, I want custody of my son."  Make your bottom line clear with your attorney.  This will help keep everything focused.  Your attorney will also be able to offer some practical advice as far as steps you need to take to get out, and things you need to do to prepare for the potential court battle you will face.  Oh, and document, document, document.  Physical abuse?  Take photos of any injuries.  E-mail them to a friend along with the story of what happened.  Then delete the pics and everything from your computer/e-mail.  Verbal/Emotional abuse?  Still, document those stories.  Once again, e-mail them to a friend.  Delete them from your computer/e-mail. Your friend can then forward those to your attorney once you leave.

Pack an emergency bag and put it in your trunk.  This bag should include vital papers, a change of clothes for you and the children, medications, etc.  If you need to leave in a hurry, this will be important.  Your car should always have adequate fuel levels, and children's car seats should always be buckled in.  Your cell phone should also always be charged.

Speaking of cell phones, if you share an account with your spouse, you need to take a couple of extra safety precautions.  He will be able to track your location via the phone company if he's on the account, thus you may need to get an ultra cheap cell phone on your own to use when you run.  Ditch the cell phone that is on his account ASAP, as it's my understanding that even if they're off, they can be turned on remotely by the phone company and then tracked.

Do you have any super special sentimental things?  Find a safe place, probably at the home of a friend or relative, and slowly begin shifting those things there.  If you have things you want to remove, but can't without being obvious, save those for the day you're leaving.  Make a list, so you don't forget something.  Be selective.  As helpful as your friends might be, they probably don't have a ton of extra space for your things.

Any money in the bank?  You get half.  Take it.  Open an account in only your name.  Deposit it.  Spend as little as possible.  This will show the courts that you weren't trying to take anything above what you were entitled.  Consult your attorney first, but mine said this was OK.  Make sure you have some cash on hand the day you leave.  You don't want to leave a trail of your whereabouts.

Remember that job we spoke of above?  I sat down with my boss about a week before I had my ex served.  I told him that I was filing for divorce, but I would attempt to minimize the impact this had on my work.  I did warn him, however, that it was a domestic violence situation, and that I may need to be gone for a few days after having the ex served.  My boss was amazingly supportive.

I suggest leaving on the day he is served.  I had my ex served at work in the afternoon.  This gave me the bulk of the day to pack and get out.

Obviously, some of these suggestions plan for a worst case danger scenario.  Adjust your precaution levels to fit your needs.  If at any time you feel the safety of you and/or your children is an issue, CALL 911.  Do not even hesitate!

Be prepared to accept some hard truths.

You may never see a dime of child support.  Sure, each state has their minimum percentages of income, etc., but many men will find a way around it.  He'll work off the books, thus appearing unemployed, making it impossible to garnish wages, or he'll work at a really low wage job making tips which are nearly impossible to track and in many cases may provide the bulk of his income.  It's amazing the lengths some men will go to in order to avoid supporting their offspring.  And while we're facing the very real potential of no child support, you can go ahead and kiss alimony goodbye too.

He will most likely have visitation rights to your children, in spite of his abuse towards you.  Unless you can prove that he is a danger to your children, you will not be able to stop this, so go ahead and decide what you want your visitation schedule to look like now, because the two of you are really going to fight over this one.

Don't pull the children into it.  Shelter them as much as possible.  This is going to be traumatic enough on them as it is.  They do not need to be told who their charming father really is.  They will eventually realize on their own.

I know I am failing.  I so want to do this right, and I know I am failing.  I'm forgetting so many things.  I am.  I simply pray this will be of some help.  For more online support, please check out this group.  There are some amazing women here that have helped me, though my presence there has been sporadic at best.

Bottom line.  You can get by on a LOT less than you think you can when you have to.  I learned in elementary school that we really have three basic needs . . .

Food.  Clothing.  Shelter.

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