Preface: I seek every day to live my life for the glory of God. I am writing here about learning to live for me, but I am merely secondary in this life to my God who is gracious enough to walk with me every day. So, as I strive every day to find my independent happiness, may I first and foremost strive to find my happiness in Him.
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I simply move through life from day to day . . . often feeling as though I'm just getting through . . . one foot in front of the other.I, however, cannot say it's totally fruitless. Even in its quiet, busy simplicity, I'm learning something incredibly important about life. I'm learning how to live it . . . for me . . .
It's hard.
I've mentioned this to a couple of people . . . Both times with the same response . . . A look that can best be described as a question . . .
I suppose it's difficult to understand how I can describe the freedom of answering only to myself as hard, but it is hard.
Somehow, my happiness has always been part of someone else's happiness.
I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Such is life.
It's not as though my entire life has been about making someone else happy. It hasn't.
When I say I'm learning to live life for me, I don't mean to suggest that I previously made decisions and choices placing the happiness of others before my own. I made the major life decisions that affect my life today, and I'm happy with those decisions.
When I say I'm learning to live life for me, I mean to say, I'm learning to be accountable to me.
Growing up, I was accountable to my parents. I wanted to make them proud. I wanted to make them happy. And, I was happier if they were happy.
Then, I grew up . . . (OK, that point is still debatable, but bear with me . . .)
Then I grew up, and fell in love. And, I became accountable to him. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to make him happy. And, I was happier if he was happy.
Of course, he couldn't be made happy, no matter the effort, but this post is about me . . . not him . . .
You could say I'm co-dependent. Yeah, just go ahead and say it. It's true.
I'm still a bit undecided . . . Is being co-dependent necessarily a bad thing? Obviously when your partner is toxic, it makes for a bad mix . . . a very bad mix . . . But, if I were in a healthy relationship, would co-dependency really be so bad? And can a relationship be described as healthy if one party is co-dependent, even if the other is emotionally healthy? [good questions for my counselor . . . ]
But now, I'm alone. And, it's tough to be co-dependent . . . and alone.
So, I'm learning how to live . . . for me . . . in all the little things . . .
And I mean every little thing, from going to bed earlier, because I know I'm happier when I'm rested - to setting boundaries in relationships that conform to my morals, values, and needs, because I'm happier when my life is kept simple and my morals and values are respected, and my needs are met.
It's hard - this being accountable to only me. I'm forced to look at my innermost self. I'm forced to learn about myself. I'm forced to rethink moral quandaries independent of the pressures of others.
I'm finding that now that I'm accountable to only me, I'm probably harder on myself than others have ever been, but at the end of the day, I know I'm going to be a better person; and not because someone else is happy with me, but because I'm happy with me.
And as I slowly take control of my own happiness, independent of the happiness of others, I'm finding it incredibly freeing . . . this learning to live . . . for me . . .
