October 8, 2011. This was my first night back in my own home.
I left on August 19th, the day I had Jim served with divorce papers.
And now, here I was, seven weeks later, sleeping in my own home.
A lot happened in those seven weeks. I stayed the first week with a friend to see how Jim would deal with the situation. Then, after the first week, I felt safe enough to move in to my parents' second master suite.
The home we shared is rented. Due to some conflict between Jim and the landlords (to whom I am close), Jim was evicted. He had until October 7th to get out. He moved the last of his things October 1st.
I spent the next week sifting through the wreckage of the remnants of our life together. The collapse of our life, such as it was. The desecrated ruins of what should have been, but could never be . . . Lots of bittersweet moments, with tears that never fall . . .
But, I am a planner, and I wanted nothing more than to have my life back. So, I started a list of things that I must replace. Immediately. You'd be surprised how quickly all the little stuff adds up.
In any case, by Friday, October 7th, I was ready to begin. My locks had been changed, and Jim was keeping Sam until 6:30 Saturday evening. So, I cleaned, and I purged, and I rearranged.
I found it very cathartic. I threw a decade of pain and anger into everything I did. I swept and mopped. I moved furniture around. I sorted the clothes Jim left behind, and trashed the things I deemed no good, and gave the good stuff away. I wanted this to be MY home, not the home we'd shared. And, though I'm sure there's still plenty of pain and anger lurking in the shadows of my soul, I found something else . . . Hope.
So, October 8, 2011, Sam and I slept our first night in OUR home. It wasn't completely cleaned. It wasn't completely how I wanted it. But, it was changed enough. It was ours.
I woke that first night, in the middle of the night . . . and opened my eyes to see the space where my husband's head once lay next to mine, to discover I have a new bed mate.
She has slept with me every night since . . .
And now, to share MY home. I won't bore you with pictures of the Kitchen, Dining, or Bath. They're boring and nothing has really changed in there.
I don't have befores, but here is my Master Bedroom. The layout is the same, but Jim took the dresser out of this room (it was cheap and full of his stuff), and I replaced it with the small dresser that had been in Sam's room.
And, here is Sam's room. Once again, no befores. The layout is different, and I replaced the small dresser that was in his room, but is now in mine, with the taller dresser that used to be in the living room.
And now, drum roll please! I haven't had a proper living room in six years. Six years! The rental we lived in after we lost everything in a major natural disaster was just too small to squeeze anything other than a glider rocker into, and the living room in what is now MY home was too full of Jim's boxes of junk for me to do anything with. I kid you not, Jim had that much junk in my living room! I have previously shared this pic with no one, as it was too embarrassing. My living room with Jim:
I am now one week in to having this home as mine. One week, and nearly $600 in furniture later, THIS is MY living room.
So, that's it. MY home. A place that is now full of hope and love. A place where dreams grow. A place where I can breathe. A place where I can heal. Home. Sweet. Home.
