Convincing a Marble . . .

start at the beginning

I went for my first counseling appointment . . . two weeks ago yesterday . . .

I probably should have updated much sooner, because some of the details have faded; but perhaps it's better that I'm updating later, because maybe it's the things that I vividly remember that are most important . . .

When I walked in and sat down, I had to admit . . .  I don't really know why I'm here . . .  I don't know what I expect to accomplish . . .  I just know I need help . . .  And I'll probably cry . . .

And, I did cry.  And I had to admit some truths that I had trouble accepting . . .  Like, I want to make him happy.  . . .  No!  I don't want to make him happy!  I don't!  . . .  But, obviously I do, because I keep trying!

Jim is a miserable person.  He just is.  And sometimes miserable people like to be miserable.  They are not going to change, and nothing you can do is going to change that.  Nothing you can do is going to truly make him happy.

But, I'm not really trying to make him happy.  I'm just trying to keep him from being mad.

How's that working out?

Well, it seems like he's always mad about something.

And yet you keep doing it!  How sick is that?  That's insane!  Not to worry.  I used to work at a mental hospital, and discovered that we're all a little insane.  The difference is that those who are happy in their insanity cannot be made better and you will go insane trying . . .

He walked across the room and came back holding his hand out to give me something . . .

Now, what is that?

What is this?  Some kind of trick question?  . . .  A marble?

Now, I want you to talk to the marble.  I want you to talk to it and convince it that it's a diamond.

I can't do that!

Why not?

Because it's crazy!  Because it's not a diamond, it's a marble!

Well, it's clear, and sparkley when the light hits it just right.  Surely if you talk to it long enough, with just the right words, you can convince it to be a diamond!  Go ahead, talk to it . . .

No.

Why not?

Because no matter what I say, it's a marble.  It'll always be a marble.

Well, that's what you've been doing in your marriage.  Jim is a marble.  He'll always be a marble, and nothing you say or do is going to change that.  You keep trying, and part of you secretly holds out hope that if you try hard enough and long enough that he'll turn in to prince charming.  He won't.

Now what I want you to do is carry this with you all the time as a reminder.  Jim is a marble.  You might want him to be a diamond, but he'll always be a marble.  And each time you're tempted to try to reason with his insanity, each time you're tempted to do something unrealistic to make him happy, I want you to feel this marble and remember, you can not change him.  The only person you can change is you.

So, every day for the two weeks since my counseling appointment, I have carried this marble.  I've had successes and I've had failures, but every day I've been reminded . . .  The only person I can change is me . . .

Because today I just might be this . . .

But, I'm working on me.  I'm improving me.  And when I get done chipping away at the marble that is me, I'm going to be this . . .

(The Hope Diamond in May 2010 at the Smithsonian in Washington, DC)

next post

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I finally called today and scheduled my next counseling appointment.  I took his first available appointment.  How fitting . . .  I will be sitting in my counselors office on my 10th wedding anniversary, because my marriage is a failure, and I cannot fix it.  The only person I can fix is me . . .