I could tell you anything about my husband.
I could lie.
You would never know . . .
But, this is a journey for me. A journey to help me find myself again. And, I cannot find myself in untruths . . .
Some truths are that my husband is emotionally abusive. He is mentally abusive. He is physically abusive. He is manipulative. He is, quite bluntly, a sociopath.
And you help me ask of myself the tough questions . . .
I'm not happy with my marriage. I'm drained from the work I've put in and the lack of results I'm left with. If my husband fell of the face of the planet today, I would feel relief.
So the biggest question that lingers . . . Why do I stay?
I told my counselor in my first session last month that there's only one reason left that I'm there, and that's for Sam. You see, it's not just me anymore. And for all of the very bad truths I share with you about my husband, there is one very good truth. He loves his son (at least as much as someone like him can), and Sam loves his Daddy.
The questions are hard though. I mean, I stay because of Sam, but part of me also insists that I should leave because of Sam.
I remember growing up and watching my parents . . . as they'd come and go. To see them embrace and kiss - I was watching two people in love after all of these years enter their own world for a moment . . . a world where only they existed with this love for one another. And I feel so amazingly blessed that I grew up seeing this beautiful thing.
And even now as I think of it, I cry. For this is the love I want, and this is the love I want my son to believe in, and this is the love he will never see between his Mama and Daddy. Even if we can "get along", we'll never be able to give Sam this.
But, as my counselor said . . . to Sam, what we have is normal. All he knows is he lives in a house with both his Mommy and his Daddy and he feels secure and safe, and we're both there for him.
But how do I know when staying together is doing our little boy more harm than good?
My counselor says I have to trust myself. I have to believe in myself that I will know. It's funny that during the course of an abusive relationship, not only do you lose trust and faith in your partner, you lose trust and faith in yourself . . .
But, for now I stay, because I watch my little boy, and every day I see him look at his Daddy with total adoration . . .
And I just don't know how to take that away from him when he's too young to understand . . .
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My next counseling appointment is tomorrow . . .
*hugs*
ReplyDelete