A Paralyzed Muddled Mess

start at the beginning

It's been four weeks since I last updated . . .

Tomorrow will be four weeks since my last counseling appointment . . .

(Note to self: schedule next counseling appointment . . .)

I told my counselor about the "January Incident" . . . finally . . .

He listened in disbelief.  He hung his head.  He sat quietly, and then he looked up, directly into my eyes and quietly said, "This goes against everything I stand for, but this relationship needs to be dissolved."

Four weeks later I'm still here.  Why?

I get through all the negativity by thinking, "I could always file for divorce."

But, I'm still here.  Why?

It's not any better.  I haven't been physically threatened, but the negativity continues on an almost daily basis in one way or another . . .

Some statements are as simple as, "I can't believe you didn't know that."  Of course he says this with the utmost superiority . . .

Mostly it's just the way everything he says implies that I'm not a good enough mother.  I don't watch him close enough.  I don't brush his teeth good enough.  I don't discipline correctly.  It . just . never . ends . . .

But sometimes he just comes out and says it, "You're need to be a better mother to your son."  I am being the best mother I know how, and I think that any normal person would view my mothering skills as above par.  So . . .  why do I let his words hurt so much?

And he grumbles because the dishes pile up and laundry hasn't been put away . . .  Well, obviously he's capable of seeing what needs to be done, so why doesn't he lift a finger?  But that's probably just a normal man thing, so perhaps isn't even pertinent to the whole abuse situation . . .

(I just took a brief break to schedule my next counseling appointment . . . August 3rd . . . three more weeks . . .)

The most egregious offence he's committed in the last four weeks?  He was trying to teach Sam to do something completely inconsequential in the grand scheme of life, and Sam just wasn't getting it.  He told Sam, "You're just like your mom.  You have no intelligence."  It's the first time he's ever said anything remotely like this to Sam, and so far it hasn't happened again, but if there's one thing I've learned during this last decade, it is that once he commits an abusive act/behavior and gets by with it, it will happen again . . .  Now it's just a matter of when . . .

I'm rambling a great deal, and I apologize.  This is the mental conflict I live with.  The rambling thoughts that jumble in my brain daily.  I honestly deal with it by ignoring it.  That's why I've neglected blogging for four weeks.  Facing reality is tough.  Facing reality brings tears.  Facing reality makes me look this monster in the face, feel like a failure, and admit that even though I know what I need to do, I'm too weak to do it.

So, I live a half life.  A life where I look so totally normal.  Just another working mom and wife trying to make it all work, always feeling the obligations of life battle over time with the desires to simply enjoy my child.  But,  hidden, where precious few see, is the paralysis . . . the lack of desire to move forward with life as it is.

Jim speaks of building a house this fall, but I don't even want to talk about it.  I desperately want another child, a sibling for my little Sam, and though time is working against me, I don't even mention it.  Because our relationship isn't good, and only a fool would get in deeper . . .

I should be making steps to dissolve this relationship.  But I'm paralyzed to do that too.

So, I'm left wallowing in the muddled mess of my mind, trapped in this inexplicable paralysis . . .

And now, I leave you with something that came to me as I was taking a walk to clear my head this past week . . .

Wish

If I had a shooting star

And a wish to wish come true,

I'd wish that I'd never

. . . heard of you.

But if I'd never heard of you,

I would not have him,

And he has my heart

In a way you never will.

07/09/2011

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