Guilty . . .

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I continue stumbling through every day.

The thing is, every day in an abusive relationship is not bad.  Every day is not abusive.  There are actually some pretty good days.  And sometimes, those days last a while . . .

This is why I've ended up staying so darn long . . .  Because, when the relationship is good, it's good.  When the relationship is good, I've dared to dream it can stay that way.  I've dared to dream my dreams can still come true.  I've dared to dream my relationship is normal . . . and good.

It is only with time, as dreams of normalcy are crushed again and again that hope begins slowly dying.  For dreams can only be smashed so many times before the dust they've become can no longer be gathered and reformed.

Hope died . . . slowly . . .  The winds of weariness blew the dust of my dreams away . . .  And I stand in the emptiness left behind . . . broken . . .

I don't like uncertainty.  I like knowing what's happening from one day to the next, and sadly enough, this relationship, this marriage, has become normal to me . . .

So, as I stand broken, in the emptiness that was once my life, I pretend.  I pretend that all is well.  I love you's never get said.  Hugs are no longer spontaneous and fierce.  But . . . life goes on.

The emptiness, however, is pervasive.  The quiet death of dreams and hope buried inside of me.

And, I want out.  And, I think about it often . . . not only during the bad days, but in the good.

Right now, we're in a cycle of good days.  Things, for all practical purposes, are going well.  Still, I think about leaving . . .

And, I feel guilty.

You ever have a boyfriend you know you're going to break up with, and then he does something super sweet for you and you feel guilty?  That's my life now . . . during the good days.

Back rub?  I feel guilty.  Lunch date?  I feel guilty.  Talk of building me a house?  I feel guilty.  Anything he does for me that I enjoy?  I feel guilty.

If I turn my thoughts into action, I'm going to hurt him incredibly.  (I know based on threats he's made, that should be the least of my concerns . . .)

I know we're in our good days right now, but there is a laundry list of grievances he has committed against me . . . a mountain of hurt . . . an emptiness . . . an aching emptiness . . .

I have every reason and every right to consider dissolution . . .

So, why?  Why do I feel  so . damn . guilty ?

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